I bet he licks the windows too!

And now…. For the stories of the ones that didn’t even make it for a date this week. Ah… welcome to the dumassery that is my blog! Yes men really are freaks and I have proof this time! The picture shown here is indeed of what you think it is. I am guessing he was too shy to send a full fleshy pic of his mini me. Whats even better is the star studded sheet it’s wrapped in. Hey.. you can’t blame the guy for trying to make it pretty right? However I wonder.. is that really what we think it is or did he grab a big zucchini out of the fridge? I guess we will never know. I supposed his profile pic online should’ve really described it all, he was kissing a fish.. ah .. I don’t know… central Illinois? I don’t get it. Anyhow we talked a bit , he wanted me to come over and I said no, he said he wasn't in for a one night stand and I said thats a relief. We agreed to meet for dinner and drinks and then before I knew it he was sending me pics of his little friend. Along with this text 'Here u go, Mom of the uear needs this'. Ummm, no I don't and please learn how to spell YOU and YEAR. Oh dear. Mom of the year needs a maid but thats another story! Anyways he also followed it up by asking for a picture of my chi chi's. No I don't think so Long Dong Ding Dong.

 Well that’s where it ended. I mean c’mon people, If I can not trust him to keep it in his pants while we are texting how can I ever take him out in public? Yet I ponder this… had I gone out on a date with him would he have wrapped his friend up in the special star studded sheet for me? Oh well, I guess I will never know.

Mr. Lube

The whole point of this blog is to make asses out of the assholes I end up dating. And boy, I am really going to live up to my aspirations on this next one! We shall refer to him as…Mr. Lube.


Mr. Lube and I met on an online dating service. Mr. Lube had an interesting profile, which peaked my interest naturally. I have never been a fan of cookie cutter men, and they need to have a little bad boy in them or some kind of edge. Mr. Lube seemed to have that edge I was looking for. He was just a couple years older than me, had ear plugs and lots of tattoos. He seemed very Zen, into Buddhism, artistic and funny. Looking back I do believe this is a front to get smart women! He also mentioned he was a big fan of country music so despite my dislike for this genre of music, I tried to overlook it. Sometimes opposites attract right? We texted and talked on the phone for hours on end for two weeks. We added each other to facebook (which if you are really curious as to who this super freak is just let me know I will direct you there from my facebook) finally the big day came when we were too meet. I was tired so watching movies and hanging out at his place was good with me. The minute I met him he was a short and petite man. He also had no real personality except to be cynical every now and then. Every room in his house had a picture of a Nascar driver which made me chuckle to myself. Never have I ever gotten the point of Nascar, they drive around in circles for hours on end and you dumbasses sit and watch it! Looking back in hindsight maybe it was his love affair with Nascar and my distain for it that also lead to non chemistry. Eventually we kissed a little and both ended up falling asleep. When I woke up the next morning I found 3 bottle of lube staring me in the face. No, not 1 but count them 3 bottles of lube. They were different flavors to boot! There was KY regular, KY warming massage, and KY his and hers. Wow.. exactly how much f*$king was he expecting to do that night. As I stared at my new friends that he spared no expense on I wondered, had they been there the whole time and I had not noticed or did he put them out before I woke up that morning. I left that morning thinking on the car ride home, what his intentions were for all that lube, I mean really, were more people to be invited to this party or was I the only one who got an invitation? If I had gone all the way with him would I have gotten to chose or would he have chosen for me. Would he play a game, hide two behind his back and say ‘Pick a hand…? I would pick the right one if I were you!!!!!!” What exactly was this man’s intention with all that f*&king lube? Either way, I think he and his lube have a very long and intimate relationship they will be building together… alone!

Mr. Narssistic Personality Disorder

Being that I don’t get out often I decided to sign up for a free dating website. No sooner had I finished my profile, I got a message from Mr. Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Mr. NPD. He stated he liked my profile and was working on a post graduate degree as well in engineering. Sounded impressive. We began emailing back and forth. He said he was from Iran. Yes that was the first warning signal, I immediately thought of several friends who had dated Middle Eastern men before and found them to be either controlling and demanding or sex maniacs who just wanted to play with American women until the virgin wife came along. I am not one who is prejudiced so I decided to keep an open mind. (Foolish girl!) He immediately was sending me messages stating things like I would be lucky if he ever kissed me, and how lucky I was he was interested in me. I immediately set out to destroy this ego as I can’t stand egotistical men, they aggravate the hell out of me and they are lucky to have ME! It came to the night of our date and he had hurt his eye and was at home and couldn’t make it. He then began messaging me asking me a question like how good of a kisser was I and if I was a real blonde. I decided play time was over and ignored his messages. I then went on a few dates with other gentlemen (Mr. Bollywood). Mr. NPD then messaged me again sending a very nice and polite message this time. After no luck with some other dates I decided to give it a try. We went out on our first date and the minute I met him I could not stop staring. He was dangerously good looking. We had coffee, went to a movie, and then had sushi and wine back at his place. He said he liked me so much and wanted to see me more. We began dating, going to dinner, watching movies at home, playing poker with his friends. The more comfortable he got the worse the ego got. I was constantly getting messages from him saying things like ‘Admit you’ve been thinking about me all day’ to which I of course replied ‘No... But the fact that you sent me this message lets me know YOU were thinking of me all day’ to which he replied ‘You wish’. It was playful; however after a while the true narcissistic ego side of him came out. He did not like my sassy replies and the teasing turned to insults. He complained that I had a self confidence issue (yes… I know… me have a self confidence issue.. I almost choked on my salad when I read that text. ) and again this truly proved how fragile his own ego was. Finally the last message he sent me was ‘I will call you if I feel like seeing you’. He then called me the next day and I ignored all his calls and texts.


Who needs a narssistic idiot? This man clearly did not understand that I had a brain and self esteem. I think in the dating world there are many women who will put up with this kind of nonsense, however I am NOT that woman. I need a man who is a real man, not a man who hides behind an overinflated ego to try to camoflage his male inadequacies. We can only hope Mr. NPD learned a lesson from this experience. Lesson number 1 for men in the dating world… don’t play games with girls who know how to play them better!

Sex and the City... Katie girls.

 There's a full post coming, but I am a Katie girl, I am also a Carrie Bradshaw for sure. And I love this clip from one of my favorite episodes of Sex in the City. I had an epifany today..a majority of my relationships woes come from the fact, that I am a wild girl and need someone just as wild to run with.

Mr Hot/Col

Lets face it.. we’re all confused out there, and that includes men. Two years ago I was at a dear friend’s birthday party when I met a very debonair gentleman. I was eating and he approached me with a video camara asking with a deep French accent ‘Oooo is dis beauuutiful woman?’ to which I quickly tried to pull myself together from the chicken leg and stammer out my name. He was tall dark and handsome, literally. Dressed in an expensive suit he asked me to dance. We danced all night. He then gave me his phone number. I called in a couple days (this is always a wise move ladies, you don’t want to seem to desperate!) We began dating and dated over the period of 3 months. I fell for him… hard. My birthday arrived and he spent it making my best friend as comfortable as he could and bought me an expensive heart shaped watch. I was hooked! A month later he stopped calling. When I asked him if we were breaking up the reply was ‘we were never together, we were just good friends’ I was devastated. I spent the next just trying to get over the damage. I began a long distance relationship with another man and just as soon as it was getting happy here comes Mr Hot/Cold. I wonder if he was thinking ‘Wow.. she might actually be getting over this.. let me mess her up again!’ We began a friendship again, me and the other guy didn’t work out so Mr Hot/Cold and I began dating again. This time he was recognizing the relationship. He made a fatal mistake though, he lied. He lied that a close friend of mine was talking behind my back in order to pull me away from her as she had just discovered the real reason of the previous breakup. He had another girlfriend in Africa he was planning to bring to the states and marry. When it looked like she might come, he dumped me. When he realized she wasn’t, he wanted me back to make it work. I have never been, nor will I ever be a second place girl. So I did the most evil spiteful thing I could think of. I started dating someone else without telling him, ignored his phone calls, and showed up to a party he would be attending with my new beau. The score was even, I had hurt him as bad as he hurt me. Not my most shinning moment but the look on his face was priceless!

Married and bored or single and lonely cont.

A couple of weeks ago I went out on date with someone I am now for lack of a better word dating. This is by far one of the strangest relationships I’ve been in, if you can even call it that. After dinner last night we came back to my place and started talking. We both came to the realization that neither one of us knows what the hell we want out of life. Romantically. We both agreed the idea of marriage is frightening. My gut reaction to marriage is similar to Carrie’s reaction to Aiden’s proposal , nausea. Then there are those days that I think it would be nice to find Mr. Right.. or true love whatever that is supposed to be. Then I realize that thought also scares the hell out of me because I never again want to be married and bored. I can remember clearly that by the time I married my husband I was already bored. I never want to feel trapped again. So these thoughts have left me mildly disturbed and pondering all morning long, Married and bored? Or Single and Lonely? I often times truly believe that we as humans are not meant to monogamous, but how can you have an open relationship without there being hurt and drama, and how do you have a closed relationship without some boredom? There seems to be no happy ending here. So my guy showed me this clip from Chris rock, I hope you enjoy and discuss.

Chris Rock-Married and bored or single and Lonely

Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do.. whatcha gonna do when we're coming for you!

Bad boys.. what is it about these deficient men that turn us on so much? It’s a classic and typical story you find with women in high school, women in college, women in the working world, and single women everywhere. A nice guy comes to take you out for dinner and a movie. He has impeccable manors, dressed nice, good job, can commit and will give us the world on a silver platter. By the end of the night you are thinking about nothing else but how to let this man down easy. However, if a man comes knocking, who is cocky, has good manners, but is a player or dangerous we can almost fall easily or instantly for him.


A good friend of mine readily and instantly will admit to the fact that she only falls for bad boys. She once had a man who was the owner of a jewelry store, gave her everything she wanted, but in the end she broke his heart and gave hers to a bad boy who was younger and much more dangerous only to have him break hers. Another friend of mine admits ‘We only fall for the guys that are hard to catch, the ones that give us their attention readily we don’t want’. This is true, and I believe it has to do with the fact that we as women need excitement. We need an element of danger, to know we are taking a risk. So does that make us adrenaline love junkies? I can readily admit the men I have fallen the hardest for have been bad boys. I must admit my own deficiency in the dating world; I am an adrenaline love junkie. The men that excite me the most are the bad boys. I am fascinated by them, especially the ones that combine manors with badness. Do we as women need drama in our relationships? I feel we do, just as much as men do. We always condemn men for going after the ‘crazy’ girl, but we must also admit that we as women like to go after the ‘bad’ boy.

Mr. Bollywood

And now, for the date of the week…..
This next gentlemen I met (and I will say gentlemen because in all fairness, he really was one) seemed to have his act together. This man was from India, was divorced, and had been living in this country for 13 years and had his own business. That was definitely a turn on. A man who is well off and smart in the business world is exciting! He was attractive and smart with a dry sense of humor. We talked on the phone a great deal before actually going on our first date. I noticed he seemed to always be calling me or texting me. (This immediately sent off a warning signal. Really I should’ve paid attention to this; I’m not quite sure why I am sometimes a glutton for punishment by not listening to my inner voice! ) The day of our first date I missed one of his phone calls and immediately got a text ‘What r u doing?’ Are you serious? A girl can’t miss a phone call or two? I called him back and let him know that wasn’t cool. He apologized and said he was worried because I had never missed one of his calls before. WOW.. code for INSECURE! We met for coffee, I was alarmed because the minute I stepped out of my car he was standing right there which caused me to let out a girlish scream followed by ‘Jesus H Christ!’ . He looked perplexed and handed me a bouquet of 3 red roses (here we go with the roses thing again ladies) which immedately set my alarm off! Coffee went well (once I calmed down from the initial jolt…guys, some women have jobs where they have to always be on their toes, especially if they work in the mental health field.. it is not cool to freak someone out like that, REALLY!) We then proceeded to the mall. He had decided he wanted to be trendier and need my fashionista advice. The entire walk around the mall he was hanging on me and holding my hand..I broke free when I could but it was a bit much and too much on a first date! The entire time he was planning the next month for us and what vacations we would take. He then took me to a movie where he wrapped both of his arms around me the entire movie. I do believe if I would have allowed him to sit in my lap he would have! Despite how successful this man was, I decided that waking up next to this leech every morning would not be worth any amount of money! I found myself wishing I was anywhere but there with him by the end of the movie.He was not creepy, just sad and pathetic so I just didn’t have it in me to be nasty. He kissed me goodnight, and the kiss was by far the worst kiss I had ever had. After that kiss, I was not interested in finding out what else was bad. I said my goodnight and ended this Bollywood movie. No woman wants a man that is clingy man. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t enjoy a man who can’t commit and is Mr. Cool as a Cucumber, but I will certainly take a cucumber over a man who can’t let me breathe or have my space. As a woman with personal space issues, this was a definite dating DON’T! C’mon guys, at least make me feel like I’m chasing you a little, it’s no fun if the prey is wounded! This man had as much drama as a Bollywood movie!

Mr. Smooth

Ok ladies, there are a few lessons my very intelligent and wise father has taught me in life. One is, if it seems to be too good to be true, it probably is. Mr. Smooth was yet another man I met on yahoo personals. He was tall, blonde, blue eyed and very good looking. We chatted for about a week, getting to know each other and common interests. He seemed nice enough, he had a good job and was a single dad. He asked me out for a lunch date which I agreed. When he met me with a dozen red roses. My first reaction was ‘oh how sweet!’. Ohhhh, foolish woman! This goes back to the whole if it seems to be too good to be true it probably is. We sat down at a nice Asian restaurant, had wine and wonderful food. On the way to the car he planted a kiss on me out of nowhere. Strange.. but ok. (again.. WRONG!) The kissing turned into a proposition which I was not willing nor ready to follow through on. I was polite, said good bye and that was it. The next morning I receive a text that states he no longer wants to go on anymore dates with me. It didn’t take long to figure out why, obviously because I did not put out.
Dating lesson number 3, if a man shows up on a date with a dozen red roses (or more than one really for that matter)it means one of two things, either A, he’s desperate or B, he’s trying to dupe you into jumping in the sack with him. Much to Mr. Smooth’s dismay, he spent a good $100 on fancy dinner and flowers to go home empty handed. And that.. ladies, is how you show the Mr. Smooth’s out there a lesson. I enjoyed my meal and my flowers, and my girlfriends and I had a GREAT chuckle at Mr. Smooth’s expense. We can only hope Mr. Smooth learned a thing or two from the experience as well, although that is doubtful.

The drunk magician

In December of 2007 a co-worker of mine decided to set me up with a friend of hers. He was funny, a magician, had his own painting business and a dog named Houdini. I thought I’d give it a shot. I met this fellow and quickly realized he was a friend of mine from back in my early college years. How fun! I always liked this guy and had even kissed him once before at a party. It was comfortable, because I had known him for years and knew he wasn’t a psycho. He invited me over for dinner, made Cajun steak and had my favorite beer. So far so good! We enjoyed an evening together full of laughter and a little romance. He drank a bit much, but to be honest, I was feeling a little tipsy myself so I didn’t hold it against him. WRONG! We said our goodbyes and I hung out with him 2 more times. One common theme seemed to prevail. He was always drunk by the end of the night. By the 3 date, he was so drunk by the end of the night, I had to ask him to leave and offered to give him a ride home. He refused.. stumble to his car and fortunately made it home alright. I knew this because in his drunken stupor he called me to cuss me out and tell me what a bitch I was. Oh dear. I give him credit though, a month later he called and apologized, realizing he had been a jerk and maybe.. quite possibly he had a drinking problem. Lesson learned. If your date is drunk by the end of the night, you can bet your money he has some issues!

The first date after a divorce

There is nothing pleasant about a divorce. In divorce absolutely no one comes out unscarred. Picking up the pieces of your life after a divorce can be quite challenging. Starting a new relationship after a divorce can be even more so, especially if you choose to take that journey with someone also recently divorced. This was my case in the fall of 2008.
I met Mr. History online through yahoo personals. He was working on his PHD in history; he had many of the same common interests as I did. Good looking, smart, single dad who seemed to be very well rounded. The first mistake was going out on the date with him the day his divorce was final. My divorce had not been finalized yet either but was well on its way. In retrospect I can now see this was a big mistake, but it seemed to make sense at the time. Simple enough, we met for drinks and immediately hit it off. He was smart, sensitive and good looking. The first clue should have been that he wanted to go dutch. LADIES please listen to me.. going dutch is really code talk for you can never expect me to pay for anything and I am a cheap ass!
The relationship progressed rather quickly (as most rebounds do) before you know it, our children have met each other and I was taking both him and his daughter upstate to meet my best friend. This.. was clearly.. a BAD idea. On the ride there and through the weekend I discovered his daughter had many behavioral problems and he soothed her with food. He went grocery shopping with my best friend and allowed her to pay for EVERYTHING without even so much as offering to pay for any of it. He never offered to pay for gas or any of the above. He did not get my friends goofy sense of humor (ok jackass, if you can’t get a discussing story or joke or two and you are that tightly wound up, no thanks). On the ride home his daughter got sick from eating too much junk food. We stopped, she was better, and then the next stop on the road he bought her more cheetos… ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME???? And as I remember correctly, that was exactly the response given. It was then we both realized, it was time to part ways. As romantically and beautifully as this relationship bloomed, in the matter of a month it spontaneously combusted. And that my dear friends, is what you call a rebound!