Mr. Gigalo

So with the encouragement of a close friend I decided to try online dating again, on a respectable site. Don't confuse that with the fact that there are always respectable people on there. My ex I met through my friends in a 'respectable' manor and he turned out to be a self absorbed narcissistic immature ass, so...why not try online dating. I've decided I'm not risking friendships and dating anyone else in my social circle. That being said, I began talking with Mr. Gigalo. The first thing he started talking about was my boobs. Yeah ok, I entertained the conversation because I knew it would make for interesting fodder here. He asked me when the last time I was laid was, he told me how hot I was, then he stated I should get a friends with benefits. I explained to this idiot that I am worth much more than that. He then proceeded to tell me how good in bed he is and how many women have fallen in love with him because he is so good in bed. (FYI..this probably means you're not) He speaks about how he has sex at least every two weeks then tells me he has two kids by two different moms. Yeah okay. Don't get me wrong, dude was good lookin but give me a damn break. 1. I am WAY smarter than the women you date apparently. 2. If you brag about how good in bed you are, you probably are very small in the wrong places and really don't know what you're doing. and 3. If you tell me you have a kid you haven't seen in a year...I don't care how much of a bitch her mom is and how bad she is...you're an asshole. I have a very good friend who has 4 kids in SC, sees them every 3 months and is never late on child support. SEE YA! ...and as my best friend stated earlier...let the freakshow begin.

I Will Survive

As I progress through the stages of this breakup I notice some go back and forth. Some days I cry, some days I’m angry,  some days I’m relieved, but today I’m all ‘Fuck that shit! I deserved better than the way I was treated! He wasn’t the prize I was!”  I also heard through a friend of a friend that he apparently loved me a lot and my kids however has serious commitment issues. Sianara fool. If you don’t know what you want after a year and a half there’s no reason to continue this charade.  I’m relieved to hear that and felt a sense of closure. Now the idea of dating again dosen’t seem impossible (of course I’m in no hurry either) especially when my sister looked at me and said “You need a guy that…..eh anyone’s better than he was”. Various comments from mutual friends, my friends and even his friends and lots of support assuring me I was not the one with the problem have all made things a lot easier lately. Because the fact of the matter is, I’m well…..amazing. And I am going to be cocky for a little bit here because this is my blog and I’m entitled to. Look, this guy couldn’t do even a third of what I have accomplished in my life. I had a severely traumatic  childhood I overcame, went on to go to college and got a bachelors’ degree, got married had two beautiful daughters, got cheated on by my ex, got divorced when the youngest was only 1 and still in diapers got a good paying job working full time and completed my Masters Degree all while supporting myself and two kids on my own. I’m still a single mom, I’m now in my field doing my purpose in life, and…I’m a badass derby girl who has gone down 2 pants sizes in the last  year. Yeah…I’m amazballs! Now I won’t bash on him…but his life resume doesn’t even touch mine. I am not the one losing here, he is and I’m finally really grasping this. I deserve nothing less than a man who is awestruck and lovestruck with me. A man who loves every bit of me and finds me completely amazing. A man who is a partner who will support me through rough times even when it is uncomfortable as opposed to running away and ignoring me. A man who’s not clingy, but wants to spend more than 1-2 days a week with me and WANTS to talk to me everyday. Because that’s what grownups do in a relationship. Someone who has their shit together, someone who knows themselves and where they are going in life. Someone who is willing to make sacrifices and who is not narcissistically in love with themselves. Someone who can put other’s needs before their own and not bitch about it or retaliate with a pissing contest of ‘I have problems too’.  What I need is a MAN not a boy who is as strong and responsible as I am. Hey I’m a tough broad..but I love passionately and will do what it takes to make a relationship work, but I will not sacrifice my own happiness anymore. In essence I need a guy who is not afraid of himself and is as strong as me.  My Mom says you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you get to the prince, but if you spend too much time on the wrong frog you’ll miss the prince entirely.  So as I turn to this new chapter of my personal journey I realize life goes on, and this just means someone really special is out there waiting for me. In the meantime I am cultivating new friendships with my amazing derby leaguemates, spending lots of time with family, and trying to find 10 things everday I am grateful for that I can thank God/the universe for. Yes, life does go on and I will survive.

My personal way of dealing with life

Peter Pan Syndrome (co-written by my sister who has been happily married for 15 years yet still has the ability to diagnose this crippling disorder)

So many of the men from our generation suffer from this syndrome. I’m not sure why. I know for some, it’s because they were over mommied when they were kids as in they could never do any wrong in their mother’s eyes. For others it is because they grew up extremely privileged and never had to be responsible. For some it’s a combination of both.For all the women my age, we are all familiar with this term. He’s a Peter Pan, the boy who never wants to grow up. I wonder, do they have any idea we call them that? What are the symptoms of Peter Pan Syndrome? Individuals with Peter Pan Syndrome have a prevalent and persistent urge to never grow up. Individuals who suffer from Peter Pan Syndrome can be identified by extreme commitment phobia, fear of responsibility, over indulgence in the night life, obsession with toys (ex., always has to have the news video game system or newest techie stuff), need to compete with children for their partner’s attention, inability to pay bills on time, may have ability to make goals but have no ambition to follow through with them, inability to handle uncomfortable situations, lack of accountability for any negative actions and persistent whining about how hard their life is. Green tights and tunic are optional. If your man or a man you know has 3 or more of these symptoms, you can be assured he has Peter Pan Syndrome. However many of those who needlessly suffer will refuse treatment. In that case, the best treatment is to get the hell away from them before they suck you in. Do not indulge them, do not try to change them, and above all, do not try to help them. They will only resent you, tell you, you ruined their life, and ultimately accuse you of being a ‘crazy bitch’ or controlling. Fortunately there is a cure for Peter Pan syndrome, it’s called GROW THE FUCK UP!!! If they refuse treatment run!

Healing is a slow process

Breakups are never easy. It’s been almost a month since mine. The things that are keeping me sane are my kids, my friends, derby, and ironically work. I am still in so much pain because I loved him so deeply. I’m not the kind of girl that does anything half-assed, and that even includes falling in love. I realize I will always love him despite all the negatives, I can’t help how my heart feels. I’m trying not to dwell on it and I have good days where it barely touchés my thoughts, and then there are bad days like today where my chest aches and I’m on and off weepy most of the day. Despite some of the shitty things he did, despite the fact he may have never loved me at all, and despite the fact that he said he never wanted my kids I still love him. I just didn’t have any other choice than to break up with him. My kids always have to come first, it wasn’t even a decision I had to mull over once those words were said. I’m really grateful for my friends who have all had a lot of patience for me and with me, even when I am impatient with myself. It’s taking longer to heal because at 35 I am in a good place in my life and a mature one. So if I want to be healthy I have to sit with it and as Buddhism teaches, stop trying to avoid suffering. It is a part of life. I refuse to drink my sorrows away, or start a rebound relationship. I’m not going to ignore it and stuff it because that’s not healthy either. Despite the advice of several of my guy friends, I am not going to go out and ‘fuck a lot of dudes’ meaningless sex is not going to help this and I don’t roll that way to begin with. The other is the old adage “Time heals everything” while true…I’m realizing it’s going to take a lot of time. I’ve read tons of self help articles on how to get through a break-up. Some of the advice is good, some of it is laughable. So I’ll share my own personal list of how I’m dealing with this: I am: Going to be gentle with myself and let myself cry when I need to Going to remember that there is a reason we broke up and my self worth is not wrapped up in that Realizing if he never did love me and his lack of care in the end is not a reflection of me, but of him I did remove him from my facebook, not because I’m bitter or angry, but because reminders of him are not healthy for me right now. I don’t need to know what he’s doing with his life because like many women I will get upset and over analyze everything and troll his page. That’s dumb. So I took the temptation away all together. It’s just healthier for me at this point of my recovery. I am not that psycho girl. I am going to keep my space, seeing him in public is hard and hurtful. If I can avoid going to the same events as him I will. I have dealt with the angry phase, bitched to my friends, tore up pictures said nasty things about him to them…and yes made jokes about him. Got it out…guess what hanging on to anger dosen’t help anything so I’m over that phase. I do genuinely wish him the best and love and light because, even if he never felt the same, when you truly love someone, you don’t hope their life sucks..you hope they get better. Stay active and get more involved with my hobbies, like derby and working out Cherish my children, because they are for life. Be gentle with myself and ask for help when I need it I won’t Unfriend mutual friends. One article suggested this and it was the dumbest thing I ever heard, especially since Facebook says we have 70 mutual friends…ha. Ask mutual friends to take sides. I had one who was going to do that and I told her not to. Don’t stop being his friend because he was a sucky boyfriend to me. That doesn’t mean he’s a bad person or a bad friend. It just means he was a sucky boyfriend to me. Refuse to ever be friends with him again. People change, he was one of my best friends for a year and a half. However I won’t be doing that anytime soon. Have meaningless sex Start a new relationship in the next 6 months Stuff it Hold on to anger or resentment Or try to contact him. I need to completely disconnect myself..for my own healing process. This has really sucked for me. I’m not really sure what I’m afraid of, that I’ll never love like that again or that I will. But I am accepting that my pride shouldn’t be damaged, and I should remain proud of who I am, a loving and caring person, who did everything I could to try to make it work. Despite the pain, at least I have no regrets.

Emotional Hostage

During a session with a mutual client, one of my colleges brought up the fact that she holds her mother ‘emotionally hostage’. Her mother never knows where she stands with her and the kid liked it that way because she got what she wanted that way as her mother was bending over backwards to gain her daughter’s love and affection. This was about a month ago and as soon as I heard it my stomach sank because I knew that was exactly what was happening to me. As I was having a conversation with the woman I consider Mom last night she commented on how much happier I look lately and sound. She said “What I really didn’t like about him was that you never knew where you stood with him” to which I replied “YES! He was holding me emotionally hostage!” See, its like this, in an emotional hostage situation the captor does anything they can to make sure the hostage never has much of a chance to voice any displeasure or really have much say so in the relationship. The power is all in their hands. So let’s take my ex-boyfriend. When I was unhappy he would become extremely dramatic and get entirely way to defensive every time I had an issue. His responses would be “well, I guess it’s my fault, it’s my fault” or “I never complain about anything you do” (of course he didn’t for Christ sake I should’ve won the Nobel peace prize for most patient girlfriend..there was nothing to criticize..he had all the power) How he pulled it over on me was simple, 6 wonderful romance infused months were I love you’s were flowing and he was initiating ideas like being a family with me and my children and moving in together followed by him backing out of the idea, less frequent texts, less time spent together, not many I love you’s (unless they were initiated by me). I was in a constant state of anxiety because I never knew where I stood. Then if I tried to bring it up with him it would start a nasty fight where he played the victim. He claimed he was depressed and I kept hanging on because I was sure he would snap out of it and we would get back to where we were. And that is the purpose of a emotional hostage captor, they keep you in a constant state of anxiety so they can avoid any accountability and keep the relationship the way they want it. Ultimately in our last fight when I asked the big question “where is this going do you see a future with me?” (keep in mind 6 months ago he claimed I was the one) he flipped out and accused me of putting him on the spot, then answered “I don’t know” and then he couldn’t understand why I didn’t know where I stood with him…wait what?! Six months ago you said “I already know I want to live with you” were looking at houses online and talking about possibilities of marriage and now it’s I don’t know?! This time I didn’t back down, this time I didn’t let his tactics shut me up and that’s when he flipped and that’s when I knew I couldn’t take being treated like this anymore. Relationships are hard. They are hard work. A real partner will shake you up and make you look at yourself when you are fucking up! Then help you change or improve and support you every step of the way, by being there. By being present in the relationship. If any of this sounds familiar to you my advice is get out fast. There is something to be said about that theory if a guy isn’t putting his all into it, he’s just not that into you. Obviously he just wasn’t that into me. So one of my lessons as I breakdown this past relationship and figure out where it went wrong…NEVER EVER settle for anything but knowing exactly where I stand and never let someone hold me emotionally hostage again.

Time to fall in love with yourself

So...Slamma! Aka the Dating Diva went on hiatus for a year and a half. Met this cool artsy guy who loved my kids and seemed to love me. We had all kinds of things in common and we fell in love quick.What attracted me most to him is that he was in a transitional phase in his life. He wanted to make changes and he wanted to settle down. The first six months were a whirlwind of fun and romance. Then he got active in his activities again and suddenly I didn't exist. During Travel Team try out I got a concussion and he didn't even bother to come to the ER. When I talked about my problems the response I got was 'I've got problems too" suddenly he was hanging around single young folks and I didn't matter any more. The phone calls were less and less, the dates were being initiated by me. And he constantly reminded me he didn't want to be my children's father. Dude...like I never asked you to be and I hate to say it, yous make him look pretty decent at this point. I had to beg for him to stay overnight with me during foot surgery and when he finally agreed it was 9pm AFTER he had bought a new car for himself. My child receives a traumatic head injury and he didn't show up for 3 days later.She's still upset about that and it still hurts her feelings. I could slowly but surely feel him pulling away. So finally I asked the question 'where is this going?' because a year ago he wanted to move in with me and then he backed out . He flipped out, cursed me out, got in my face,then told me he never wanted my kids and they were a handful. OUCH. That was when I knew it was over and there was no going back. You can act like an selfish ass to me, but you talk shit about my beautiful and amazing daughters that's when we're done! It was heartbreaking. For me and my kids. His coming around less and less made them feel like he didn't like them, his comments that night confirmed it. In every great love story that ends in tragedy there must always be a lesson. For both parties. I can't speak to what his is, but I know mine. I NEED to fall in love with myself again, because I never deserved to be treated like that. I deserve much much better. A man who is mature and know who he is and where he is going in life. We therapists have this fatal flaw where we want to save people. I wanted to save him, I tried so hard, but ultimately he had to save himself. Only he can heal his wounds and if he chooses to continue to ignore them, I can't have someone like that limping behind me. Healing from this won't be easy. It hasn't been so far. But it will be doable. Every day I feel a little bit better. I'm taking this time for self reflection. What are my goals? What do I need out of a partner, and finally what the hell is wrong with being alone? Don't need a man and never did. So the big lesson I learned is to stop settling for things in my life. Love myself enough to know I deserve the best. So I have decided to take the next 6 months off dating and focus on my kids, friends,family, Derby and my job. To work on loving me..because I still believe I'm pretty awesome, but I need to make it truth.It's time for a reset. Now..I still go out. I have plenty to blog about there, but that's for another time and bat place. I have started by treating myself the way I would like a significant other to treat me. Hot baths, good dinners,and cuddling on the couch with the kids or the dog. Life is too short to be anything but constantly evolving and happy.

Stay Tuned...posts to come