Healing is a slow process

Breakups are never easy. It’s been almost a month since mine. The things that are keeping me sane are my kids, my friends, derby, and ironically work. I am still in so much pain because I loved him so deeply. I’m not the kind of girl that does anything half-assed, and that even includes falling in love. I realize I will always love him despite all the negatives, I can’t help how my heart feels. I’m trying not to dwell on it and I have good days where it barely touchés my thoughts, and then there are bad days like today where my chest aches and I’m on and off weepy most of the day. Despite some of the shitty things he did, despite the fact he may have never loved me at all, and despite the fact that he said he never wanted my kids I still love him. I just didn’t have any other choice than to break up with him. My kids always have to come first, it wasn’t even a decision I had to mull over once those words were said. I’m really grateful for my friends who have all had a lot of patience for me and with me, even when I am impatient with myself. It’s taking longer to heal because at 35 I am in a good place in my life and a mature one. So if I want to be healthy I have to sit with it and as Buddhism teaches, stop trying to avoid suffering. It is a part of life. I refuse to drink my sorrows away, or start a rebound relationship. I’m not going to ignore it and stuff it because that’s not healthy either. Despite the advice of several of my guy friends, I am not going to go out and ‘fuck a lot of dudes’ meaningless sex is not going to help this and I don’t roll that way to begin with. The other is the old adage “Time heals everything” while true…I’m realizing it’s going to take a lot of time. I’ve read tons of self help articles on how to get through a break-up. Some of the advice is good, some of it is laughable. So I’ll share my own personal list of how I’m dealing with this: I am: Going to be gentle with myself and let myself cry when I need to Going to remember that there is a reason we broke up and my self worth is not wrapped up in that Realizing if he never did love me and his lack of care in the end is not a reflection of me, but of him I did remove him from my facebook, not because I’m bitter or angry, but because reminders of him are not healthy for me right now. I don’t need to know what he’s doing with his life because like many women I will get upset and over analyze everything and troll his page. That’s dumb. So I took the temptation away all together. It’s just healthier for me at this point of my recovery. I am not that psycho girl. I am going to keep my space, seeing him in public is hard and hurtful. If I can avoid going to the same events as him I will. I have dealt with the angry phase, bitched to my friends, tore up pictures said nasty things about him to them…and yes made jokes about him. Got it out…guess what hanging on to anger dosen’t help anything so I’m over that phase. I do genuinely wish him the best and love and light because, even if he never felt the same, when you truly love someone, you don’t hope their life sucks..you hope they get better. Stay active and get more involved with my hobbies, like derby and working out Cherish my children, because they are for life. Be gentle with myself and ask for help when I need it I won’t Unfriend mutual friends. One article suggested this and it was the dumbest thing I ever heard, especially since Facebook says we have 70 mutual friends…ha. Ask mutual friends to take sides. I had one who was going to do that and I told her not to. Don’t stop being his friend because he was a sucky boyfriend to me. That doesn’t mean he’s a bad person or a bad friend. It just means he was a sucky boyfriend to me. Refuse to ever be friends with him again. People change, he was one of my best friends for a year and a half. However I won’t be doing that anytime soon. Have meaningless sex Start a new relationship in the next 6 months Stuff it Hold on to anger or resentment Or try to contact him. I need to completely disconnect myself..for my own healing process. This has really sucked for me. I’m not really sure what I’m afraid of, that I’ll never love like that again or that I will. But I am accepting that my pride shouldn’t be damaged, and I should remain proud of who I am, a loving and caring person, who did everything I could to try to make it work. Despite the pain, at least I have no regrets.