Emotional Hostage

During a session with a mutual client, one of my colleges brought up the fact that she holds her mother ‘emotionally hostage’. Her mother never knows where she stands with her and the kid liked it that way because she got what she wanted that way as her mother was bending over backwards to gain her daughter’s love and affection. This was about a month ago and as soon as I heard it my stomach sank because I knew that was exactly what was happening to me. As I was having a conversation with the woman I consider Mom last night she commented on how much happier I look lately and sound. She said “What I really didn’t like about him was that you never knew where you stood with him” to which I replied “YES! He was holding me emotionally hostage!” See, its like this, in an emotional hostage situation the captor does anything they can to make sure the hostage never has much of a chance to voice any displeasure or really have much say so in the relationship. The power is all in their hands. So let’s take my ex-boyfriend. When I was unhappy he would become extremely dramatic and get entirely way to defensive every time I had an issue. His responses would be “well, I guess it’s my fault, it’s my fault” or “I never complain about anything you do” (of course he didn’t for Christ sake I should’ve won the Nobel peace prize for most patient girlfriend..there was nothing to criticize..he had all the power) How he pulled it over on me was simple, 6 wonderful romance infused months were I love you’s were flowing and he was initiating ideas like being a family with me and my children and moving in together followed by him backing out of the idea, less frequent texts, less time spent together, not many I love you’s (unless they were initiated by me). I was in a constant state of anxiety because I never knew where I stood. Then if I tried to bring it up with him it would start a nasty fight where he played the victim. He claimed he was depressed and I kept hanging on because I was sure he would snap out of it and we would get back to where we were. And that is the purpose of a emotional hostage captor, they keep you in a constant state of anxiety so they can avoid any accountability and keep the relationship the way they want it. Ultimately in our last fight when I asked the big question “where is this going do you see a future with me?” (keep in mind 6 months ago he claimed I was the one) he flipped out and accused me of putting him on the spot, then answered “I don’t know” and then he couldn’t understand why I didn’t know where I stood with him…wait what?! Six months ago you said “I already know I want to live with you” were looking at houses online and talking about possibilities of marriage and now it’s I don’t know?! This time I didn’t back down, this time I didn’t let his tactics shut me up and that’s when he flipped and that’s when I knew I couldn’t take being treated like this anymore. Relationships are hard. They are hard work. A real partner will shake you up and make you look at yourself when you are fucking up! Then help you change or improve and support you every step of the way, by being there. By being present in the relationship. If any of this sounds familiar to you my advice is get out fast. There is something to be said about that theory if a guy isn’t putting his all into it, he’s just not that into you. Obviously he just wasn’t that into me. So one of my lessons as I breakdown this past relationship and figure out where it went wrong…NEVER EVER settle for anything but knowing exactly where I stand and never let someone hold me emotionally hostage again.