I Will Survive

As I progress through the stages of this breakup I notice some go back and forth. Some days I cry, some days I’m angry,  some days I’m relieved, but today I’m all ‘Fuck that shit! I deserved better than the way I was treated! He wasn’t the prize I was!”  I also heard through a friend of a friend that he apparently loved me a lot and my kids however has serious commitment issues. Sianara fool. If you don’t know what you want after a year and a half there’s no reason to continue this charade.  I’m relieved to hear that and felt a sense of closure. Now the idea of dating again dosen’t seem impossible (of course I’m in no hurry either) especially when my sister looked at me and said “You need a guy that…..eh anyone’s better than he was”. Various comments from mutual friends, my friends and even his friends and lots of support assuring me I was not the one with the problem have all made things a lot easier lately. Because the fact of the matter is, I’m well…..amazing. And I am going to be cocky for a little bit here because this is my blog and I’m entitled to. Look, this guy couldn’t do even a third of what I have accomplished in my life. I had a severely traumatic  childhood I overcame, went on to go to college and got a bachelors’ degree, got married had two beautiful daughters, got cheated on by my ex, got divorced when the youngest was only 1 and still in diapers got a good paying job working full time and completed my Masters Degree all while supporting myself and two kids on my own. I’m still a single mom, I’m now in my field doing my purpose in life, and…I’m a badass derby girl who has gone down 2 pants sizes in the last  year. Yeah…I’m amazballs! Now I won’t bash on him…but his life resume doesn’t even touch mine. I am not the one losing here, he is and I’m finally really grasping this. I deserve nothing less than a man who is awestruck and lovestruck with me. A man who loves every bit of me and finds me completely amazing. A man who is a partner who will support me through rough times even when it is uncomfortable as opposed to running away and ignoring me. A man who’s not clingy, but wants to spend more than 1-2 days a week with me and WANTS to talk to me everyday. Because that’s what grownups do in a relationship. Someone who has their shit together, someone who knows themselves and where they are going in life. Someone who is willing to make sacrifices and who is not narcissistically in love with themselves. Someone who can put other’s needs before their own and not bitch about it or retaliate with a pissing contest of ‘I have problems too’.  What I need is a MAN not a boy who is as strong and responsible as I am. Hey I’m a tough broad..but I love passionately and will do what it takes to make a relationship work, but I will not sacrifice my own happiness anymore. In essence I need a guy who is not afraid of himself and is as strong as me.  My Mom says you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you get to the prince, but if you spend too much time on the wrong frog you’ll miss the prince entirely.  So as I turn to this new chapter of my personal journey I realize life goes on, and this just means someone really special is out there waiting for me. In the meantime I am cultivating new friendships with my amazing derby leaguemates, spending lots of time with family, and trying to find 10 things everday I am grateful for that I can thank God/the universe for. Yes, life does go on and I will survive.