Healing is a slow process

Breakups are never easy. It’s been almost a month since mine. The things that are keeping me sane are my kids, my friends, derby, and ironically work. I am still in so much pain because I loved him so deeply. I’m not the kind of girl that does anything half-assed, and that even includes falling in love. I realize I will always love him despite all the negatives, I can’t help how my heart feels. I’m trying not to dwell on it and I have good days where it barely touchés my thoughts, and then there are bad days like today where my chest aches and I’m on and off weepy most of the day. Despite some of the shitty things he did, despite the fact he may have never loved me at all, and despite the fact that he said he never wanted my kids I still love him. I just didn’t have any other choice than to break up with him. My kids always have to come first, it wasn’t even a decision I had to mull over once those words were said. I’m really grateful for my friends who have all had a lot of patience for me and with me, even when I am impatient with myself. It’s taking longer to heal because at 35 I am in a good place in my life and a mature one. So if I want to be healthy I have to sit with it and as Buddhism teaches, stop trying to avoid suffering. It is a part of life. I refuse to drink my sorrows away, or start a rebound relationship. I’m not going to ignore it and stuff it because that’s not healthy either. Despite the advice of several of my guy friends, I am not going to go out and ‘fuck a lot of dudes’ meaningless sex is not going to help this and I don’t roll that way to begin with. The other is the old adage “Time heals everything” while true…I’m realizing it’s going to take a lot of time. I’ve read tons of self help articles on how to get through a break-up. Some of the advice is good, some of it is laughable. So I’ll share my own personal list of how I’m dealing with this: I am: Going to be gentle with myself and let myself cry when I need to Going to remember that there is a reason we broke up and my self worth is not wrapped up in that Realizing if he never did love me and his lack of care in the end is not a reflection of me, but of him I did remove him from my facebook, not because I’m bitter or angry, but because reminders of him are not healthy for me right now. I don’t need to know what he’s doing with his life because like many women I will get upset and over analyze everything and troll his page. That’s dumb. So I took the temptation away all together. It’s just healthier for me at this point of my recovery. I am not that psycho girl. I am going to keep my space, seeing him in public is hard and hurtful. If I can avoid going to the same events as him I will. I have dealt with the angry phase, bitched to my friends, tore up pictures said nasty things about him to them…and yes made jokes about him. Got it out…guess what hanging on to anger dosen’t help anything so I’m over that phase. I do genuinely wish him the best and love and light because, even if he never felt the same, when you truly love someone, you don’t hope their life sucks..you hope they get better. Stay active and get more involved with my hobbies, like derby and working out Cherish my children, because they are for life. Be gentle with myself and ask for help when I need it I won’t Unfriend mutual friends. One article suggested this and it was the dumbest thing I ever heard, especially since Facebook says we have 70 mutual friends…ha. Ask mutual friends to take sides. I had one who was going to do that and I told her not to. Don’t stop being his friend because he was a sucky boyfriend to me. That doesn’t mean he’s a bad person or a bad friend. It just means he was a sucky boyfriend to me. Refuse to ever be friends with him again. People change, he was one of my best friends for a year and a half. However I won’t be doing that anytime soon. Have meaningless sex Start a new relationship in the next 6 months Stuff it Hold on to anger or resentment Or try to contact him. I need to completely disconnect myself..for my own healing process. This has really sucked for me. I’m not really sure what I’m afraid of, that I’ll never love like that again or that I will. But I am accepting that my pride shouldn’t be damaged, and I should remain proud of who I am, a loving and caring person, who did everything I could to try to make it work. Despite the pain, at least I have no regrets.

Emotional Hostage

During a session with a mutual client, one of my colleges brought up the fact that she holds her mother ‘emotionally hostage’. Her mother never knows where she stands with her and the kid liked it that way because she got what she wanted that way as her mother was bending over backwards to gain her daughter’s love and affection. This was about a month ago and as soon as I heard it my stomach sank because I knew that was exactly what was happening to me. As I was having a conversation with the woman I consider Mom last night she commented on how much happier I look lately and sound. She said “What I really didn’t like about him was that you never knew where you stood with him” to which I replied “YES! He was holding me emotionally hostage!” See, its like this, in an emotional hostage situation the captor does anything they can to make sure the hostage never has much of a chance to voice any displeasure or really have much say so in the relationship. The power is all in their hands. So let’s take my ex-boyfriend. When I was unhappy he would become extremely dramatic and get entirely way to defensive every time I had an issue. His responses would be “well, I guess it’s my fault, it’s my fault” or “I never complain about anything you do” (of course he didn’t for Christ sake I should’ve won the Nobel peace prize for most patient girlfriend..there was nothing to criticize..he had all the power) How he pulled it over on me was simple, 6 wonderful romance infused months were I love you’s were flowing and he was initiating ideas like being a family with me and my children and moving in together followed by him backing out of the idea, less frequent texts, less time spent together, not many I love you’s (unless they were initiated by me). I was in a constant state of anxiety because I never knew where I stood. Then if I tried to bring it up with him it would start a nasty fight where he played the victim. He claimed he was depressed and I kept hanging on because I was sure he would snap out of it and we would get back to where we were. And that is the purpose of a emotional hostage captor, they keep you in a constant state of anxiety so they can avoid any accountability and keep the relationship the way they want it. Ultimately in our last fight when I asked the big question “where is this going do you see a future with me?” (keep in mind 6 months ago he claimed I was the one) he flipped out and accused me of putting him on the spot, then answered “I don’t know” and then he couldn’t understand why I didn’t know where I stood with him…wait what?! Six months ago you said “I already know I want to live with you” were looking at houses online and talking about possibilities of marriage and now it’s I don’t know?! This time I didn’t back down, this time I didn’t let his tactics shut me up and that’s when he flipped and that’s when I knew I couldn’t take being treated like this anymore. Relationships are hard. They are hard work. A real partner will shake you up and make you look at yourself when you are fucking up! Then help you change or improve and support you every step of the way, by being there. By being present in the relationship. If any of this sounds familiar to you my advice is get out fast. There is something to be said about that theory if a guy isn’t putting his all into it, he’s just not that into you. Obviously he just wasn’t that into me. So one of my lessons as I breakdown this past relationship and figure out where it went wrong…NEVER EVER settle for anything but knowing exactly where I stand and never let someone hold me emotionally hostage again.

Time to fall in love with yourself

So...Slamma! Aka the Dating Diva went on hiatus for a year and a half. Met this cool artsy guy who loved my kids and seemed to love me. We had all kinds of things in common and we fell in love quick.What attracted me most to him is that he was in a transitional phase in his life. He wanted to make changes and he wanted to settle down. The first six months were a whirlwind of fun and romance. Then he got active in his activities again and suddenly I didn't exist. During Travel Team try out I got a concussion and he didn't even bother to come to the ER. When I talked about my problems the response I got was 'I've got problems too" suddenly he was hanging around single young folks and I didn't matter any more. The phone calls were less and less, the dates were being initiated by me. And he constantly reminded me he didn't want to be my children's father. Dude...like I never asked you to be and I hate to say it, yous make him look pretty decent at this point. I had to beg for him to stay overnight with me during foot surgery and when he finally agreed it was 9pm AFTER he had bought a new car for himself. My child receives a traumatic head injury and he didn't show up for 3 days later.She's still upset about that and it still hurts her feelings. I could slowly but surely feel him pulling away. So finally I asked the question 'where is this going?' because a year ago he wanted to move in with me and then he backed out . He flipped out, cursed me out, got in my face,then told me he never wanted my kids and they were a handful. OUCH. That was when I knew it was over and there was no going back. You can act like an selfish ass to me, but you talk shit about my beautiful and amazing daughters that's when we're done! It was heartbreaking. For me and my kids. His coming around less and less made them feel like he didn't like them, his comments that night confirmed it. In every great love story that ends in tragedy there must always be a lesson. For both parties. I can't speak to what his is, but I know mine. I NEED to fall in love with myself again, because I never deserved to be treated like that. I deserve much much better. A man who is mature and know who he is and where he is going in life. We therapists have this fatal flaw where we want to save people. I wanted to save him, I tried so hard, but ultimately he had to save himself. Only he can heal his wounds and if he chooses to continue to ignore them, I can't have someone like that limping behind me. Healing from this won't be easy. It hasn't been so far. But it will be doable. Every day I feel a little bit better. I'm taking this time for self reflection. What are my goals? What do I need out of a partner, and finally what the hell is wrong with being alone? Don't need a man and never did. So the big lesson I learned is to stop settling for things in my life. Love myself enough to know I deserve the best. So I have decided to take the next 6 months off dating and focus on my kids, friends,family, Derby and my job. To work on loving me..because I still believe I'm pretty awesome, but I need to make it truth.It's time for a reset. Now..I still go out. I have plenty to blog about there, but that's for another time and bat place. I have started by treating myself the way I would like a significant other to treat me. Hot baths, good dinners,and cuddling on the couch with the kids or the dog. Life is too short to be anything but constantly evolving and happy.

Stay Tuned...posts to come