Emotional Hostage

During a session with a mutual client, one of my colleges brought up the fact that she holds her mother ‘emotionally hostage’. Her mother never knows where she stands with her and the kid liked it that way because she got what she wanted that way as her mother was bending over backwards to gain her daughter’s love and affection. This was about a month ago and as soon as I heard it my stomach sank because I knew that was exactly what was happening to me. As I was having a conversation with the woman I consider Mom last night she commented on how much happier I look lately and sound. She said “What I really didn’t like about him was that you never knew where you stood with him” to which I replied “YES! He was holding me emotionally hostage!” See, its like this, in an emotional hostage situation the captor does anything they can to make sure the hostage never has much of a chance to voice any displeasure or really have much say so in the relationship. The power is all in their hands. So let’s take my ex-boyfriend. When I was unhappy he would become extremely dramatic and get entirely way to defensive every time I had an issue. His responses would be “well, I guess it’s my fault, it’s my fault” or “I never complain about anything you do” (of course he didn’t for Christ sake I should’ve won the Nobel peace prize for most patient girlfriend..there was nothing to criticize..he had all the power) How he pulled it over on me was simple, 6 wonderful romance infused months were I love you’s were flowing and he was initiating ideas like being a family with me and my children and moving in together followed by him backing out of the idea, less frequent texts, less time spent together, not many I love you’s (unless they were initiated by me). I was in a constant state of anxiety because I never knew where I stood. Then if I tried to bring it up with him it would start a nasty fight where he played the victim. He claimed he was depressed and I kept hanging on because I was sure he would snap out of it and we would get back to where we were. And that is the purpose of a emotional hostage captor, they keep you in a constant state of anxiety so they can avoid any accountability and keep the relationship the way they want it. Ultimately in our last fight when I asked the big question “where is this going do you see a future with me?” (keep in mind 6 months ago he claimed I was the one) he flipped out and accused me of putting him on the spot, then answered “I don’t know” and then he couldn’t understand why I didn’t know where I stood with him…wait what?! Six months ago you said “I already know I want to live with you” were looking at houses online and talking about possibilities of marriage and now it’s I don’t know?! This time I didn’t back down, this time I didn’t let his tactics shut me up and that’s when he flipped and that’s when I knew I couldn’t take being treated like this anymore. Relationships are hard. They are hard work. A real partner will shake you up and make you look at yourself when you are fucking up! Then help you change or improve and support you every step of the way, by being there. By being present in the relationship. If any of this sounds familiar to you my advice is get out fast. There is something to be said about that theory if a guy isn’t putting his all into it, he’s just not that into you. Obviously he just wasn’t that into me. So one of my lessons as I breakdown this past relationship and figure out where it went wrong…NEVER EVER settle for anything but knowing exactly where I stand and never let someone hold me emotionally hostage again.

Time to fall in love with yourself

So...Slamma! Aka the Dating Diva went on hiatus for a year and a half. Met this cool artsy guy who loved my kids and seemed to love me. We had all kinds of things in common and we fell in love quick.What attracted me most to him is that he was in a transitional phase in his life. He wanted to make changes and he wanted to settle down. The first six months were a whirlwind of fun and romance. Then he got active in his activities again and suddenly I didn't exist. During Travel Team try out I got a concussion and he didn't even bother to come to the ER. When I talked about my problems the response I got was 'I've got problems too" suddenly he was hanging around single young folks and I didn't matter any more. The phone calls were less and less, the dates were being initiated by me. And he constantly reminded me he didn't want to be my children's father. Dude...like I never asked you to be and I hate to say it, yous make him look pretty decent at this point. I had to beg for him to stay overnight with me during foot surgery and when he finally agreed it was 9pm AFTER he had bought a new car for himself. My child receives a traumatic head injury and he didn't show up for 3 days later.She's still upset about that and it still hurts her feelings. I could slowly but surely feel him pulling away. So finally I asked the question 'where is this going?' because a year ago he wanted to move in with me and then he backed out . He flipped out, cursed me out, got in my face,then told me he never wanted my kids and they were a handful. OUCH. That was when I knew it was over and there was no going back. You can act like an selfish ass to me, but you talk shit about my beautiful and amazing daughters that's when we're done! It was heartbreaking. For me and my kids. His coming around less and less made them feel like he didn't like them, his comments that night confirmed it. In every great love story that ends in tragedy there must always be a lesson. For both parties. I can't speak to what his is, but I know mine. I NEED to fall in love with myself again, because I never deserved to be treated like that. I deserve much much better. A man who is mature and know who he is and where he is going in life. We therapists have this fatal flaw where we want to save people. I wanted to save him, I tried so hard, but ultimately he had to save himself. Only he can heal his wounds and if he chooses to continue to ignore them, I can't have someone like that limping behind me. Healing from this won't be easy. It hasn't been so far. But it will be doable. Every day I feel a little bit better. I'm taking this time for self reflection. What are my goals? What do I need out of a partner, and finally what the hell is wrong with being alone? Don't need a man and never did. So the big lesson I learned is to stop settling for things in my life. Love myself enough to know I deserve the best. So I have decided to take the next 6 months off dating and focus on my kids, friends,family, Derby and my job. To work on loving me..because I still believe I'm pretty awesome, but I need to make it truth.It's time for a reset. Now..I still go out. I have plenty to blog about there, but that's for another time and bat place. I have started by treating myself the way I would like a significant other to treat me. Hot baths, good dinners,and cuddling on the couch with the kids or the dog. Life is too short to be anything but constantly evolving and happy.

Stay Tuned...posts to come

Mr. Computer Geek/Socially Retarded

Mr. Computer Geek contacted me on match.com. For those of you who are interested in match.com I wish you the best of luck. (Of course I wish anyone the best of luck with online dating in general). Mr. Computer Geek contacted me and was immediately enamored with both my appearance and personality. According to Mr. Computer Geek, he could not stop staring at my picture or re-reading my profile. He asked me out on a date, we met at a local pub. Things went seemingly well. I met his best friend, had a great time, then followed back to his big 4 bedroom home to watch a movie, some making out and went home. He was a single Dad as well and our kids were even gone at the same time. He is also a glass blower…bonus! Artist! The first weekend free I wait for him to call for another date. Nothing. Then I begin to receive a series of strange text messages talking about Native American folklore. Weird. Then over the course of the next few months things get stranger. He only calls to do something on Wednesday evenings and that’s it. I have a conversation with him about why. He insinuates I am worrying for nothing and he is simply busy. Really? Who only wants to hang out on Wends.? Being that I am aware of my own trust issues, I decided to trust him (big mistake). One Wends evening we are out and about, he tells me my walls are hard to break and I decide to let him in and we decide to officially begin seeing each other. He encourages me to be patient.

The next Wends I don’t hear anything from him. That Saturday night I see him downtown. I say hi and instead of getting my usual ‘Hey!’ followed by a big hug I get a ‘oh hi’. As he walks by I see he is with another woman and proceeds to kiss her outside the restaurant my friend and I are eating at. Not wanting to look like the drunken crying girl at 3am I decide to make an exit stage left! As I get to the parking lot where my vehicle is I run into his best friend who proceeds to tell me how mental his friend is and what a douche he is. Information that WOULD have been useful THE FIRST NIGHT YOU MET ME!!!

I thanked him and quickly proceeded to erase Mr. Computer geek/socially retarded idiot’s phone number out of my phone!

Mr. Fred Sanford

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5DnqW3F57E

I met Fred when my car broke down. Unfortunately my serpentine belt fell off. If anyone knows anything about serpentine belts than you will know it runs the altinator and the power steering so when it is off your car it renders it undriveable. After calling roadside assistance my tow truck driver arrived shortly. He was tall, built, and handsome. He was also witty and made me laugh the entire way to my mechanic’s shop.

After my car was fixed and I arrived home Fred called me. “Just doing a follow up call to make sure you got home ok’. No tow truck driver has ever been that nice.  Knowing that Fred was hitting on me I thanked him for the called and told him he could call me anytime. The next day I called and we talked at great length about him. No at first I didn’t find anything weird about this because we were getting to know eachother. I told him we should hang out and he agreed to a movie and drink Saturday night.

We saw a great movie then went for drinks. It was a seemingly perfect date that ended with a pleasant kiss and no sleaziness. The following week it seemed I was the one always contacting him. I noticed during our first date he had not put much effort into his appearance. He seemed to need a shave and was wearing a long underwear shirt out. I tried not to be too judgemental. He also drove a very beat up truck that he rebuilt from the junk yard. It was a redneck’s wet dream even including doors that didn’t match. The following week I noticed all of our conversations revolved around him and how great he was. Then finally he came over the following weekend to watch a movie. His breath was stinky, and he was wearing a Joe Boxer jersey. I can not even remember the last time Joe Boxer made anything. He again failed to shave, and my dog didn’t seem to much care for him. I decided it may be time to be done with Fred. Fred didn’t seem to put up much effort into wooing me. I decided to allow him to call me and he never did. If it looks like Fred.. and walks like Fred…it’s probably a Fred!

The Groomer

Near the end of the summer I made the decision to get my daughters and I a Shih Tzu who we lovingly named Flapjack. Being a shih tzu Flapjack’s hair is naturally long and he need’s groomed on a regular basis. Upon our first visit to the groomer I was greeted by a very good looking employee. He flirted and he rode a motorcycle..HOT. The next grooming session he mentioned that he moved here from out of town and didn’t know anyone. (code for I think you’re hot can we have a drink?) I met him for a drink. As the evening progressed he never bought one drink for me nor opened the door. I was beginning to think this was strictly platonic. Near the end of the evening he began buying me drinks and playing footsie with me under the table. I thought maybe he finally got some nerve. He walked to the bar so I gave him a ride home.

When we arrived at his apartment he kissed me and we had a mini make out session. He began stalling and tried talking me into coming up to his apartment. Fortunately I could use my dog as an excuse. He then offered to come to my place which I declined because I don’t know him like that! I ended the evening and that pretty much ended our relationship beyond him grooming my dog. Obviously the only thing the groomer can commit to is grooming dogs

I bet he licks the windows too!

And now…. For the stories of the ones that didn’t even make it for a date this week. Ah… welcome to the dumassery that is my blog! Yes men really are freaks and I have proof this time! The picture shown here is indeed of what you think it is. I am guessing he was too shy to send a full fleshy pic of his mini me. Whats even better is the star studded sheet it’s wrapped in. Hey.. you can’t blame the guy for trying to make it pretty right? However I wonder.. is that really what we think it is or did he grab a big zucchini out of the fridge? I guess we will never know. I supposed his profile pic online should’ve really described it all, he was kissing a fish.. ah .. I don’t know… central Illinois? I don’t get it. Anyhow we talked a bit , he wanted me to come over and I said no, he said he wasn't in for a one night stand and I said thats a relief. We agreed to meet for dinner and drinks and then before I knew it he was sending me pics of his little friend. Along with this text 'Here u go, Mom of the uear needs this'. Ummm, no I don't and please learn how to spell YOU and YEAR. Oh dear. Mom of the year needs a maid but thats another story! Anyways he also followed it up by asking for a picture of my chi chi's. No I don't think so Long Dong Ding Dong.

 Well that’s where it ended. I mean c’mon people, If I can not trust him to keep it in his pants while we are texting how can I ever take him out in public? Yet I ponder this… had I gone out on a date with him would he have wrapped his friend up in the special star studded sheet for me? Oh well, I guess I will never know.